Part 4 "I'm just trying to heal": Archetypes - The Bully
Updated: Sep 15, 2019
I recently undertook the task to make Parts 1, 2 and 3, a little less raw. So if you are just reading them now, they have evolved a bit. I figured if Elizabeth Gilbert did it in EPL, I could figure it out too, and still get the message and the feelings across. I did my best, I am sure they will evolve again at some point.
Quick side note here: I would just like to take a second here to make an official statement of gratitude: THANK YOU to all of you for the messages of revelations, healing, perception shifts and ownership you experienced while reading this series of blogs, you amaze me.
We live in a tricky society. So many adult women (and men, but less of them) endure psychological abuse that damages them in untold ways, but they cannot tell their stories because of their children. I feel overwhelmed with the stories I have heard from other people in the last couple of years, women and men. As this blog series moves along I will be sharing stories that I have been given permission to share. They will weave in and out of mine to protect identities.
This whole thing is a vicious cycle. As it turns out, you can lose time with your children if you are found guilty of 'parental alienation,' so you cannot tell your child that you are crying because their other parent just threatened you and tore you down. The system requires us to lie to our child in order to keep our relationship with them. It's super weird. I understand the reason those 'rules' exist but I also know there is a whole other side to it that is not being realistically addressed. It's a product of the Bully Archetype operating in our collective society. A child can come home to their mother, inadvertently experience something they are afraid to do and then say things like "I'm a chicken. I'm a chicken, that's mommy's fault." and that mother can't do a damn thing about it. There is nothing about that, that actually protects the child. It's all so backwards. The feeling of not being able to protect your child's mind from manipulation like that is enough to drive one mad, yet parents deal with this all. the. time. Like so many other parents, I have had my own counsellor to keep my head on straight as I navigate my own story, I have seen a child counsellor to learn strategies for coping with the effects of the conflict and transitions, I have seen a social worker/counsellor to check in with to further understand my situation more clearly. Every single one of these professionals got the same look in their eye. The empathy of the 'rock and a hard place' I am in, the flash of discouragement that even they can't hide, that they know there is nothing I can do about so many things. All they can do in these situations is affirm that you are indeed doing the right things, that your motherly intuition is on track, that you are doing all you can. They can't do anything else. You can't do anything else.
If stories like these cannot be told, then understanding can never happen. Without an understanding of the problem, solutions never arise. I plan to start changing that. If Yousafzai can survive and make a difference then, obviously, in a much less extreme context, those of us brave enough to say something can make a difference too. I've had someone constantly let me know that they are keeping tabs on me watching my business social media, they have often taunted me, every time I post anything I wonder what they will do with it. It's awful. But it's not criminal, so it's allowed (eye roll emoji here pls.) I'm so over living under these stupid threats. So many people live like this, it's crazy. I have been told to 'SHUT UP OR ELSE' for over two years now. How is that okay? I'm over it man.
On behalf of all of you that endure this over and over and over, for years, even after you leave. For those of you that need to hear someone say it, this is what I say:
"No. I'm done. I'm not putting up with your intimidation anymore. You want to allow the universe to teach me more lessons through you? You wanna make me even stronger and more sure of myself and my story? Does the universe want to use you help me sort out more unhelpful paradigms in my life, kick even more ass and be even happier? Alright then. Sure. Bring it. I will not live my life in fear anymore"
I have clearly watched 'The Avengers' too many times. Haha. (not that there are ANY archetypes in that move AT ALL) but. while I am thinking of it. funny story...
I talked to my trusted friend and colleague, Andrew (Dr. B) the other day. About the present day situation from Part 1 that triggered all of the past stuff for me. I told him the things that happened and what it was that upset me and the period of time I waited before I got mad. And he said "Look Sonia, some of that's def not okay, but I've known you for a long time. You are a force, you are a big energy, especially now. If it was me, I'd need TWO WEEKS to process you and I wouldn't even think twice about taking it." Haha. so there's that...
Hopping back off the rabbit trail... I don't yet know exactly how I am going to figure out a solution to this vicious cycle that allows the perpetrator to continue brutal control indefinitely in our society. It's everywhere. It's the Bully Archetype. It bogles my mind that this has been going on FOREVER for so many people and generations. I have heard countless stories, mostly from women, some men. It is the SAME story over and over and over again. There is nothing unique about my story, I may as well tell you someone else's, it would impact you the same way. (And I will start telling the stories of others - I might already be doing that ;) They all follow the same patterns, the degree of severity is the only thing that changes. I just happen to know how to do something about some of it because I do not have a collapsing masculine/king archetype operating in my life anymore, so I have a foundation with which to proceed. To give you more bad news, this typical story and pattern is not even unique to this context. It's everywhere. Last week my neighbour's dog was mauled by a dog four streets over, for the second time by the same dog. Stitches everywhere. Poor little creature is traumatized to no end. Her owner had just successfully rehabilitated her from other trauma (she was a rescue) and now this. So much love poured in and then a repeat offender gets to mess it all up, just because. Apparently nothing will happen to stop this from happening again. Unreal. My friend and local business owner has been bullied by another out of town business owner, severely, for year. The bully even called CFS on them just to cause trouble. (Fortunately CFS has gotten calls from this person before, it's part of her regular bullying tactics, so everything is okay for my friend, obviously. but man. really???)
So who is going to lock down that dog that might one day also maul my dog, and then maul him again next year? If a bully comes after my business, is my community going defend me? Where is the disconnect on these things? The fundamental disconnect on all of this is the SAME. Dogs, businesses, divorce, whatever man. I can't really point a finger at the people that didn't do anything, or the system that failed me, or the 'whatever,' because it's a fundamental collective issue. So what is it? It's a paradigm we have accepted and allowed to be programmed into our way of doing life. The good news is that if it was accepted and programmed the it can be un-accepted and reprogrammed, and it really isn't as hard as everyone seems to think it is. It is a matter of consciousness and vulnerability. A powerful duo if there ever was one.
What I do know is that if auto-immune conditions sometimes go into remission in my office - because I coach people out of self-neglect, into some self-love and they then do the work and eventually get out of toxic habits, beliefs, situations or relationships that were making them sick, then for Pete's sake I can figure this out too. There is an equal and opposite on its way, it's coming. When people say they don't believe in Karma I say, "What? You don't believe in Newton's Third Law?!" ...doesn't sound so superstitious now, does it? Ha. Makes forgiveness easier because you can let go of wanting to visit Karma on someone, because you have surrendered to that higher law (Part 1)
For finding the answer I think of it this way: If you also apply Newton's 3rd law to questions, if you throw it out into the universe, then you are guaranteed an answer back. There has to be a response. It's not scientifically possible for a question to exist that does not have the answer (an equal and opposite re-action.) The better and more clear and direct the questions, the more direct and clear the answer will be.
That's my promise to those of you that resonated with my story, to those that resonated with the higher laws I spoke about, those of you that have stories of your own. I will find the answer to this because above all else, I am a strategist, apparently a good one - and as you already know - I just have to find the right question ;)
Now then...... about those questions. The answer of why isn't so hard. Most of the reason for breakdown in our society is in understanding of what is operating in this photo below. I could, and may one day, write a whole series of blogs on this photo alone:
The answer of what to do about it takes a little more time. So for that reason I am going to take some time to write about some of the collective archetypes we are dealing with. I will start with Skeleton Woman as promised. Eventually I will archetype and psychoanalyze the crap out of Trump for you. I see him as the greatest gift of projection and information about ourselves that this world has ever seen. The archetypes that are on full display in him are the ones up for being digested and broken down in our society, now, in the next few years. The bully archetype is clearly one of them, but he's a magnificent conglomerate. It's very exciting actually. He's a mirror, a projection, a mist. I have managed to even see Trump as a gift and valuable lesson to everyone, go figure. Haha.
We will deal with him Part 6 or 7 where I will address the wounded and toxic masculine (and feminine) archetypes alive in Trump that are up for healing for us collectively now. He would NOT be waaaay up there, ready to fall if we weren't ready to take that $hit down. I mean really, who wouldn't think they could buy Greenland, that logic is obvious, especially before China buys it, it's just Monopoly. Any pre-programmed 8 year old knows how logical that is and will throw a classic Monopoly Loser Tantrum if they don't win.
That's for later though, up next I will move back to love and into Skeleton Woman in Part 5.
To end things off today I will comment on vulnerability and the bully. There is a magic quality to honest tears, to admitting the wound we all have. It's the secret of Skeleton Woman and it's also the secret to dissolving the bully archetype. When you can stare that bully down, the one in your own head or the one right in front of you or the one that hides behind email, and mirror back to them the pain they have caused you, accept it, let your tears heal what they did, they lose power. When you embrace the equal and opposite coming out of them with eyes that see through the bully to the pain and the fear, and you transform that energy instead of transferring it, they become disarmed. When you don't fight the pain and allow the tear, your tear weakens their aggression and you become stronger. (more on the power of tears in Part 5) Hear me though please, I am not talking about lying down and taking it. I am talking about a surrender that connects you to the power of your vulnerability. You don't love the bully, that will never disarm them (though some paradigms would tell you that - they are wrong) you don't love them: f--- them, you love YOURSELF. That's the secret. It's not a "Let them come" from a tired and defeated King Theoden in The Lord of the Rings, The Two Towers, it's the Good King Aragorn, accepting what is, choosing to transform the feeling of defeat into courage, remembering promises of his allies for the sunrise, and riding out and embracing all who have fought with him to face the demon down at the end of all things. This is magical. This is when Gandolf shows up with another army just in time and you win anyway. btw - there are also NO archetypes in that series of movies AT ALL ;) It's choosing to jump off the cliff sometimes because there is nothing behind you that you want to be anymore. It's how you transform from 'Gandolf the Grey' to 'Gandolf the White.'
"Thou Shalt Not Pass." Remember how that scene made you feel? That's bad ass behaviour. When you stare the demon down you transform, your soul purifies itself, part of you that was buried when you were a kid, that you've always longed to reconnect with, comes to life.
Lastly, and because I just love them and I cannot repeat them enough, below I leave you with the famous words of Brene describing vulnerability again - because being vulnerable and being willing to be seen for all we are and all we long for is the most powerful state we can embody that exists on this earth today. When you choose to love yourself and your whole story and you don't care who knows how much you want to be loved, or how much you hurt and you can admit the wound, then you are invincible - because when you fully love and accept yourself it enables you to do the same for the whole fricken' world.
And then you are magic.
I'll see you soon,
Sonia (aka. #badass)
Also. You know, in case you were worried:
"There is no stopping it. There is only the war." - said Loki, like, 5 min before he lost.